While we were there I would go fishing wish my friends. And we would cast our lines, and just bet who would catch the fish first. It was the easiest beach to catch fish. But I would never catch one my friends would always catch more than me. We would stay at the beach till 6-7 o'clock for the sunset. We don't really see the sunset but the sun shines on the clouds making orange and it is a nice view to take pictures. After the sunset i would go with my friends to jump off the rock. The rock would be about 30-40 feet tall and we would jump off the highest level. Before we jumped we would wait till the wave goes up because we don't want to hit the sand. The first time we jumped took long because we were scared about belly flopping or back flopping or drowning. But sense we all were scared we just chose to jump at the same time.
After going to that relaxing beach we would go to Matsumoto's shave ice and get tasty shave ice. I would always want to eat here because in my opinion they have the best shave ice. My flavors would be Hawaiian rainbow with ice-cream on the bottom, it is the place where I would want to be. My friends would get the lychee and coconut, which I don't usually get. Before we would get shave ice we would have to wait in a long line. Mostly overtime I go to that store we would always have to wait in a long line, so I am kind of used to it. I was amazed with what I tasted.
Going home I would think of the bond with me and my friends. I would think of how close we are together. With my friends at the beach is so relaxing and it keeps me away from all the stress. With out them I would be lonely and I would never have someone to count on when I'm down. But when ever I'm down I would put down all the difficult and plan to go to the beach with my friends. I would always thing of the same thing to keep me relaxed. Going back to school would be like a new day for me because I would know that my friends would always be on my side when ever I'm down. I would start doing all my chores and try my hardest to study for my tests. I will start doing these things more often because I know its worth it. This is my Querencia.
1. Check your personal shifts.
ReplyDelete2. 1st sentence in the 2nd paragraph: wish=with
3. Last sentence in the 2nd paragraph: say what you tasted. describe it more
4. Last paragraph 5th sentence: whenever is one word
5. Last paragraph "... I would always thing": thing=think
6. Just reread carefully and check spelling and grammar
The purpose of your essay is good. There's a lot of details that helps me picture your special place in my mind. Your audience would be people who enjoy going to the beach. You broke up your paragraphs well. There is a different topic for every paragraph but all paragraphs relate to your special place. You should add more details on what your special place looks like, how the shave ice tastes when you eat it, how you feel when you jump off the rocks, and how you feel now and every time you go back to your special place. In your essay, you can add more so that the reader can hear your voice. Overall, this essay is pretty good. I can see why this is your special place.
I like how you talked about your thoughts about the place and how you talk about your friends hanging out with you at your special place, but I think you were talking about your friends too much. Just like what Mr. Zavala said, don't just talk about how you enjoy being there, talk about what it looks like, and give us the visual. You talked about your friends in two paragraphs, and that's too much. Your grammar needs a little bit more help, and you should speak in a way that we should all hear you in our heads. So just fix your grammar, structure, and give us more visual :)
ReplyDeleteTHE BIGGEST THING YOU NEED TO DO IS ADD SENSORY DETAIL AND IMAGERY. PAINT US THE PICTURE DON'T JUST TELL US ABOUT IT. THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY DESCRIBE IT AS IF WE ARE YOU EXPERIENCING ALL OF THESE GREAT THINGS. LASTLY, YOU NEED MORE REFLECTION AS HOW AND WHY THIS IS YOUR SPECIAL PLACE COMPARED TO EVERYWHERE ELSE. AS(2+)
ReplyDelete